It only hurts when I'm breathing
by Luxara
Summary: Mac hears a song in the radio and find it matches her current mood. Most parts are Mac’s POV.COMPLETE!
1. Looking back

**It only hurts when I'm breathin'**

**Disclaimers:**

_JAG and its characters belong to DPB, I'm only playing a bit with them._

_The song 'It only hurts when I'm breathing' belongs to Shania Twain._

**Spoilers:**

_Everything up to Paraguay, this is set directly after the end of 'Shifting Sands' (is that really the name of the episode after 'A tangled Webb Part 2'? I don't know) _

**Summary:**

_Mac hears a song in the radio and find it matches her current mood. Most parts are Mac's POV. ,_

**A/N:**

****_Sorry for any mistakes in the story, but I haven't seen 'Tangled Webb' and 'Shifting Sands' yet. In Germany, the tenth season has just begun and the ninth season will be repeated for the first time in a few days. **Feedback, please!**_

8:43pm EST

Mac's apartment;

Georgetown, Washington D.C.

After returning from the hospital

'I can't believe he joined the CIA! How could he? Wasn't it enough for him to see what Clay has been through in all his years there? I didn't hear it right, I guess. That cannot be real…

But, hell, with my good luck in the past few weeks it has to be real. I don't understand what got into him. Wouldn't be surprising if he has totally lost his mind.

Everything just because I had to go after the Gunny. If I hadn't been so stupid, Harm would still be at J.A.G.! I would have come back after a while and everything would have returned to normal.

How will I ever be able to work at J.A.G. like before this assignment without Harm? Without his jokes and his smile. Without our teasing and our courtroom battles. Without feeling his presence and having his shoulder to lean on.

Of course, our relationship wasn't entirely that good the past months, but we could have worked it out.

If he dies on a mission with his new colleagues no one would ever tell me why. I would never get to know if he was really dead or if he faked. The chances of getting seriously hurt are also so much higher than as a lawyer.

But how could I change something about that? We once were friends but after my reaction to his actions in Paraguay, we're not even that.

Someone who said a relationship between us could never work cannot expect anything. I guess that's why he didn't tell me.'

She turned on the radio, wanting to find a station with nice songs about how good life is. At first it seemed like she had succeeded- songs often played on Parties made her feel less miserable.

Then a voice told the listeners the next one would be one of Shania Twain.

She thought this would also be cheerful, but it happened to be a sad ballad.

'That's not what I need, this can only be something 'bout lovesickness and so on. But why don't I listen a bit? I'm already feeling miserable again, this song can't make it worse.'

Hope life's being good to you

Since you've been gone

I'm doin' fine now- I've finally moved on

It's not so bad- I'm not that sad

She gasped. This song must had been written for her and Harm. This was exactly what she had told everyone. Inside of her everything looked different.

I'm not surprised just how well I survived

I'm over the worst, I feel so alive

I can't complain- I'm free again

This words really suited her relationship to every man of her past- except Harm, even if everybody thought she was glad he went away.

And it only hurts when I'm breathing

My heart only breaks when it's beating

My dreams only die when I'm dreaming

So I hold my breath- to forget

This was it. Her best hidden feelings, just sung by someone in the radio. The song named it. Only in the night, when she laid alone in her too big bed she thought about him. But then it was worse than anyone could imagine. Everything she had ever wanted was gone with him.

Don't think I'm lyin' around cryin' at night

There's no need to worry, I'm really alright

I've never looked back- as a matter of fact

'At least I didn't tell 'ya. Of course I'm crying myself into sleeping every night. Saying I'm alright is my best weapon. Funny, if anyone thinks I'm not looking back- If they're believing it I've to be a good actress.'

And it only hurts when I'm breathing

My heart only breaks when it's beating

My dreams only die when I'm dreaming

So I hold my breath- to forget

It only hurts when I breath

No, I've never looked back- as a matter of fact.

And it only hurts when I'm breathing

My heart only breaks when it's beating

My dreams only die when I'm dreaming

So I hold my breath- to forget

Hurts when I'm breathing

Breaks when it's beating

Die when I'm dreaming

It only hurts when I breath

The last notes of the song faded- Mac had sung along with the words from the second Chorus until the end. Now tears were slipping down her face, falling onto the sofa.

'Will we ever be able to get it right? If I could talk to him in private – if he was here now- maybe I'd have the strength to set it right, but if…'

As she heard the knock on her door, she quickly wiped her tears away and rose to her feet.

As she looked through the peephole, her breath stopped for a moment.

There was it…

Her chance to get everything alright, maybe this time they would make it…

The End

(but to be continued)


	2. The talk

**It only hurts when I'm breathin'**

**Part 2**

**Disclaimers:**

_Still the same as always._

**A/N:**

_Sorry that it took me so long to finally finish this, but I first wrote the last few chapters of 'the letter' and then I didn't know how to continue this. FEEDBACK; PLEASE!_

9:15pm EST

Mac's apartment

Georgetown, Washington D.C.

"Harm, what are you doing here?"

"Hello Mac. We've to talk."

"About what," she asked, still not opening the door enough for him to enter.

"You know 'bout what," he mumbled.

Mac frowned.

'Isn't it enough to come here after all he did? Does he has to make me guess the matter? That's… well, typical Harm. If he gets the courage to talk _I _have to guess 'bout what. Why the hell did I fall in love with such a moron?' she thought.

"I don't know what you're up to, Harm. Guess you've to tell me."

Then let me in. What I've to say is nothing to be discussed in passing."

She sighed and walked back into her apartment, leaving the door open.

He sat down but she kept on pacing the room, not able to calm down.

"Mac, you're making me nervous. Sit down and listen to me."

She felt how she slowly got angry. Although it was logical to get nervous by someone pacing the room like she was doing it seemed like he wanted to delay the 'moment of truth'.

"I prefer to stand, thanks," she snapped. "So what do you want?"

"Talk."

'Great Rabb,' he thought. 'Just the right way to start.'

"About what," she asked annoyed.

"Us."

"There's nothing to talk about, Harm."

"Hell, Mac, when did you stop being my friend? What happened?" He was almost yelling now.

"You leave the Navy, join the CIA, didn't tell me – your former best friend – 'bout it and presume to ask me what happened? Damn you," she shouted.

His voice turned to a low and dangerous level. Too much was too much.

"Mac, I left the Navy because of you! Because of your stupid assignment with Webb. I wanted to tell ya about the CIA but I couldn't find you. How many times did you something of great matter and didn't discuss it with me before? I can't understand why you consider me your _former _best friend. Tell me, Mac."

"As long as you keep hurting me like you did today you're not my friend."

"Alright, Mac, I understand. You just see what _I _did the past years. But this one is your fault… Well, I don't want to discuss it. I came to talk – to set things right and try it one more time, but if you don't want…"

Mac suddenly felt guilty about her reaction to his words.

'He's right,' a tiny voice inside of her whispered. 'You've treated him worse than ever. It's a miracle that he still considers you his best friend. Didn't you want a second chance? If he listened to you now, it would be your third one. It's now or never. If you let him walk out that door of yours, you may never see him again. By the way, you've to admit this situation was caused by you. He maybe let his actions let his actions speak for him too often, but this time he was stopped by Clay… and by your 'Never'.'

As Mac looked up, her best friend was almost out of the door.

"Harm… wait!"

"What? You want to yell at me again?"

"Harm… I… I'm sorry."

He turned around.

"About what?"

She looked at him.

"'bout everything. It could have worked so well if I hadn't…"

She lowered her head, letting her gaze drop to the floor – she just couldn't watch him walking out.

As she looked up several seconds later he was still there, now standing right in front of her.

He smiled his trademark flyboy-grin at her.

"Does that mean I've my best friend back," she asked carefully.

"Maybe a little more."

When she looked at him, not knowing what he had meant, he teased her: "In case you're courageous enough to get involved with the CIA it could be more than just casual friendship."

"as long as it's just you and not the whole CIA – I can handle you."

She smiled that special smile of hers at him.

"Don't be too sure, Marine. One question left. Did you meant it as you said a relationship between the two of us could never work?"

"If you don't mind not being 'on top' all the time it could work well."

"Smart, Sarah. Oh, by the way – you know I love you, right?"

She gasped.

'Wow, he actually said it. If I had known it would be such an easy thing to get to this point…' she thought, 'Well, guess a 'sorry' is all you need sometimes.'

"Mac," he asked concerned, almost regretting he had told her.

"Why the hell did we wait so long? I thought I'd never hear that from you."

He chuckled.

"I consider this as your romantic way of saying you love me too!"

"Yes, I love you too, Harm."

They just looked at each other for an instant – then he lowered his mouth to her and brushed her lips gently with his own. Although their mouths barely touched she immediately felt the sensations making her lips tingle – exactly like they had during their kisses in Norfolk, on the Admiral's porch and under the mistletoe.

She stepped back, wanting to look him in the eye.

"You know you won't get rid of me anytime soon, flyboy, don't you?"

"Who told ya I want to get rid of you?"

The end


End file.
